I've been away for awhile. I quit doing anything. I take care of the kids, go to the gym when I can muster up the gusto, and I read a lot. I think it has to do with my bipolar. Sometimes you just lose your oomph. My oomph has been gone for months and it's hard to even admit it to yourself.
I need to get back my oomph. The first step is getting back to doing what I love. What I love is writing. I like the feeling of writing. It's kind of an ethereal experience for me. It lifts me from the dark and brings me back to the light.
A bipolar swing that is in the depression side of things is an awful thing. It's a silent hell. Like I said it's one you don't even admit to yourself. But you can see it. You lose the joy in things. Things that you used to enjoy like going to the gym or writing become such an unwanted burden. You feel like you are walking through mud that you just can't get through. You know that you enjoy those things but you feel like you don't anymore. It's a state of mind that is really unpleasant. You end up wasting days, weeks, sometimes even months. It's time you can't get back and it can fill you with even further upset that fuels the fire of the swing even further.
I hate the feeling of not feeling okay so much that I rarely talk about it. You have to knock yourself out of the rut that you find yourself in. You get into such a routine that you get comfortable there even if it's just basic everyday things that you're getting done and nothing else. My new goal for myself is to get better and back to doing things I enjoy. Getting back to things that I know I need to do. I need to create a better, healthier rut.
Part of my depression has to do with being a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom can alienate you in ways. It's incredibly gratifying to stay home with my babies and I wouldn't trade the time I have with them, but it's also lonely at times. It's easy to just focus on them and not focus on yourself or your well being. But the truth is that if you can get yourself out of the low and get back to the better place that your kids will do even better, too. So for myself and them I need to work my way out.
What are some things you do to get yourself motivated? I'll always take advice on getting out of a depression funk.