Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The one where we start getting real.

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been trying to unplug this past weekend and really enjoy my daughter. See Mom With the iPhone. Today the water main near the daycare was being replaced, which left the daycare with no running water for several hours. Which means I got the day off. I was supposed to take Harper to the zoo on Saturday, which turned into a new kind of hell in of itself. Basically, the road that you take to get to the zoo was backed up for a mile or so. And instead of being a sane rational person and getting the hell out of dodge, I took a gamble and tried to go anyway. The next 3 hours of my life was kind of what I believe hell would be like. I sat in traffic for 3 hours trying to get the hell out of the park where the zoo was. Meanwhile, Harper spilled an entire soda on herself and got semi-overheated. While I was sitting in traffic, I pulled her out of carseat, stripped her buck nekkid and changed her. She cried. A lot. I cried, too. It was so fricking awful. Seriously, everyone in the tri-state area decided to go to the zoo. Literally all of the parking lots were full. It was scary. I, for at least 10 minutes, went certifiably insane and almost killed my best friend simply because it was her idea to go to the zoo. Holy schnikes. So, when I finally got out of there,  I drove as fast and as far away as I could and went to Suson Park. Which is normally like the most unbusy place ever, but it was busy, too, because they were having some sort of family fishing tournament. Weird. The concept that people actually do stuff like that. But, it still wasn't as busy as the zoo. And while I was there, I was reveling in what a cool and amazing person my kid is. I mean I'm biased and all, but this girl is awesome. She is funny, kind, smart, and endlessly loving. And I thought, self, remember when you read Mom with the iPhone? Live that. Unplug. And so I did. I didn't look at Facebook until she was in bed. I played with her while she went down the slide. I didn't take any pictures with my phone. I just sat there and loved my kid endlessly and was the kind of mom that I want to always be. But, life gets busy, and I own a business, and I have to get on the computer and I have shows that I like to watch. But, I am capable of unplugging and not checking my phone all the time for intakes for the daycare or updates on Facebook. I'm able to really actually live my life instead of being a passive viewer in everyone else's. And, the best and worst part was that Harper was wanting to do everything, "myself", "by myself", "myself", "I did it, I did it!". She let go of my hand and went to town. She didn't want mommy to catch her at the bottom of the slide. And it comes like a bat out of hell when you realize that your little girl will not always be little forever. And thoughts of this may be your only baby and are you really okay with that being the case.

The bottom line for me, is that it is not. And this is something that on most days my husband and I disagree upon. I have been incredibly raw on my blog and this is something that is harsh and uncomfortable and that most people like to pretend doesn't happen in their Facebook lives. The fact that at times you and your husband disagree on an issue that is so big that it may end up ending your marriage at some point. That is real. Now it may not always be babies or anything, but there will be an issue that is massive at some point in your relationship that requires one person to bend or it will break. The question is who will bend and when. Will it be my body or my age or my husband? I know in some way, shape, or form, I will be a mother again. Be it to foster children down the line or another one of my own or something.

Anyway, I have gotten way off topic, but my best blogs always seem to turn that direction. So, after Saturday's debacle, I decided to take Harper to the zoo. And again, I unplugged. But, this time I did take pictures. We rode the carousel for an hour. We laughed. She gave me kisses and told me, "I'm having a great day, mommy, I love you." We saw hippos fighting and a baby elephant and watched sea lions dance in the underwater tunnel. Here are some of my favorite pictures, all from the carousel, she just had pure elation:






And after the zoo, we went and visited Zak's grandma in the nursing home. And Harper ran up to her and held her in her arms for at least 15 minutes and completely melted me and Granny Di (or as Harper would call her "Dee Di")'s hearts. And again I was reminded of how endlessly kind this little person is. Sigh.

And then I came home and my husband and I had a disagreement and barely talked. And that is a reality in itself, too. Sometimes that happens. And then I had feelings of guilt when he talked about how sick he is of hearing or seeing my favorite show. And I just wanted to curl inside myself, and that is real. And that is what I'm trying to do with this blog. Vent about my real feelings and real occurrences and not sugar coat what life is like for me and probably most people. The end.

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